I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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