I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
