So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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