No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
