You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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