I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
