Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
