so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
