This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
