You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
