Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
