I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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