i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
