i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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