Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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