i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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