Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
