her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
