My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
