Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
