Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
