saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
