we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
