Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
