my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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