she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize