I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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