I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
