just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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