What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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