the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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