Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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