oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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