I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
