if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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