sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
