I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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