**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
