sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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