And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
