im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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