I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
