So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
