Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
