On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
