Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A+ Viking dick
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
