I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
