woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
