these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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