when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
