Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize