so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
