I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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