Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
