I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
