One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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