Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
