at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
