the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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