Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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