You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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