This is not my ceiling
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
