this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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