Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
