oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
