Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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